What's In A Book: the Great Spleen
by Hentai Innocent Maidens S
Summary: Xelloss and Filia trying to take a romance novel literally. Very silly and quite perverted. Do not read if under 18! The actual lemon has been cut but it's still pretty perverted.


This is an edited log by some Hentai Innocent Maiden's whose names will not be revealed. A more complete version can be found on my webpage.

Cutey-HoneyJillas and Grabos give Fil some romance novels for her birthday and she gets hooked on them and wants to try what's in the books...

MyAlias Hehehe... *Imagines Jillas and Gravos's dirty book collection.*

Cutey-Honey They're FURVERTS!

MyAlias Maybe they asked the lonely old lady at the book counter what kind of books women like.

SomeoneElse So how's Filia think she's gonna try this stuff out?

SomeoneElse I mean she's not gonna think. "Damn! I wish that saxy mazoku were here so I could try this!"

Cutey-Honey *FLOOR* *laughing* She *quite shyly, might I add* asks Xellos about it *who isn't really sure about a lot of it himself...* and the lemon ensues.

Cutey-Honey It'll work out, trust me. ^^

Cutey-Honey Then there's always that 'reading over the shoulder' that obnoxious people *read:Xel* do.

MyAlias I really can't see them getting the books any other way. (Besides Jillas getting books entitled "Flames of Passion" and start reading until the kissing part.)

Cutey-Honey *dies* I should do a short fic just about them getting the books.

* SomeoneElse wonders about all those furry hentai pics online and what Filia will do when she finds that stash...

Cutey-Honey *dies* "Oh, my, Mr. Jillas... what in the..."

MyAlias J Here you go. The girl suddenly stops and start crying and spouting speeches. Somehow I thought of you and that you might like it.

MyAlias At least it isn't "How to put Flames and Fireworks back into your relationship!"

Cutey-Honey Xellos might take that the wrong way and start setting things on fire...

* SomeoneElse knows what song Jilas will sing when he finds a girlfriend... "You dropped a Bomb on Me"

* SomeoneElse beats off the furry discoers with a big stick

MyAlias I can just see Xellos standing there with wind blowing in his hair, ripped silk shirt, picturesque background sweeping Fil into his arms... and having to find his place on pg 114 to find out what he does next.

Cutey-Honey *dies*

SomeoneElse ROTFLMAO

Cutey-Honey X Okay, so I'm supposed to run my calloused, manly man hands up your silky thighs?

SomeoneElse F I'm supposed to do what? Give me that book!!!

SomeoneElse X Look it says right here

Cutey-Honey X I think 'moan in pleasure' was the phrase the book used. What is that supposed to sound like, anyway?

MyAlias X Wait a sec. How many petty-coats are you currently wearing? Will you even be able to feel it? Oh wait! I'm supposed to go UNDER your skirts. F What!!

SomeoneElse F What's so pleasant about your callused hand anyway. Did you really need to glue sand to it?

Cutey-Honey *FLOOR*

MyAlias X Fil-chan? I always wear gloves. I don't have calloused hands outside my collection.

Cutey-Honey ^^ *laughing* The collection of severed hands he keeps under his bed?

MyAlias X And those are my collection of monkey paws!

Cutey-Honey hehehehehe.

SomeoneElse That is SOOO unromantic. MyAlias, I don't think we're helping get the lemons going here.

Cutey-Honey F Well, I guess your normal hands are good enough... Uhhh, what comes next? *hands him the book back*

Cutey-Honey X *reading* Do you have a 'sticky wet flower' under your skirt somewhere? Cuz this says I'm supposed to manipulate it gently with my fingers...

MyAlias X You have a mace but I don't think that qualifies...*flips pages.*

Cutey-Honey F Get on with it, or you'll be experiencing my mace firsthand!

MyAlias X *Scans page* ... you also have a tail... but normally girls don't have one... do you want me to do anything with it?

Cutey-Honey F Ummmm... Guys have something sorta similar between their legs... maybe you could grab it or something?

MyAlias X Okay. *Grabs it and waits for a moan.* F Oouch!! Damn it! don't squeeze it around so hard!! Do you want me to do the same to you!!

Cutey-Honey F *pulls tail away and starts inspecting it* That hurt! I think I may be bruised!

SomeoneElse Did you read the one Zelas made Xelloss exceptionally 'big' ?

Cutey-Honey *dies* I wanna see this! He finally got that extra mass allocation he's been bugging her for!

Cutey-Honey we've figured out that the law of conservation of mass applies to Mazoku, too... they just use mass from other parts of their body to make themselves better *ahem* endowed.

Cutey-Honey Which is why Xel has no ass *the tennis episode in Next* but the first time you see him in Try, he's got a rather noticeable bulge in his pants...

MyAlias So sometimes they don't have spleens?

Cutey-Honey Hey, that'd be a good place to take extra mass from!

Cutey-Honey Or the first time Valgaav sprouts his black freak wings, his crotch literally shrinks. *we watch these things... I'm frightened of us*

MyAlias Those wings are pretty big...

SomeoneElse X What's a 'virgin door' I don't see any door!

Cutey-Honey X I have a "swollen sex"? What's that? I thought sex was something you do?

MyAlias X Is it talking about your bruised tail? I thought normal girls didn't have one!

Cutey-Honey F I don't think so... *blows on it to make it quit stinging*

MyAlias X Well what else am I suppose to push into you?

Cutey-Honey *dies*

Cutey-Honey F It says "engorged manhood", doesn't it? What's that mean? I thought 'manhood' was something intangible?

MyAlias X I thought to have intercourse I have to...*gets distracted as he flips the pages* Were the heck did you get this book! It's the worse instruction manual I've ever seen!!!

Cutey-Honey F I wish I had something with pictures... Darn it... Where is your 'shaft', anyway? I don't see any arrows or anything on you...

MyAlias F It's not an instruction manual! You read it for pleasure! XWell I don't know about you but I'm not getting any pleasure yet.

SomeoneElse X What is this?: "The maiden gazed with interest at the hard arousal that sprang audaciously from his loins."

MyAlias *They both stare at his crotch waiting for something to spring.*

Cutey-Honey F Nothing's happening....

Cutey-Honey X *looks down pants* Is there supposed to be a spring down there?

MyAlias X I'm getting bored. We have everything! I've got the ripped silk shirt. You have the bodice yet NOTHINGS happening!!

Cutey-Honey F I think you're supposed to lay on me naked or something like that...

Cutey-Honey F Maybe if we skip the technicalities and just get the important parts, it'll work...

MyAlias X Well go ahead and get naked. *Waits.*

Cutey-Honey F Naked!? I'm not getting naked in front of you! You get naked!

MyAlias X Me? Okay. If you really want to see... which form?

MyAlias X Then again I don't usually clothe my monster one... 

Cutey-Honey if you think about it, Xel's clothes are a part of his being... so he's basically running around naked all the time! ^^*

MyAlias X No. A cone... what do you think I really am? A big bug wolf looking thing?

Cutey-Honey F Well, that's not very erotic...

Cutey-Honey F *pushes fingers together* You could just take off your clothes like you are now...

MyAlias X What! That's my natural form! Are you calling me unsexy! Well I wouldn't call your scaly dragon hide very arousing either!

Cutey-Honey F You big jerk! I'm sexier as a dragon than you'll ever be as a cone!

Cutey-Honey (X *pulls out copy of Play Priest magazine* Hey, you're right, Filia! You ARE sexy!)

MyAlias X How do you know? You've never seen me as a cone but I've seen you transform plenty of times!! (And actually keeps some snapshot under his bed but he'd never tell her that!)

Cutey-Honey F Well... I guess it wouldn't hurt to see you as a cone...

Cutey-Honey 'He picked up a strawberry between long, pale fingers, and held it to his mouth, watching her intently. His lips teased at the lush red fruit, his tongue licked at its surface, and then he turned it, his tongue dipping into its deep, red center, his gaze steady on her. His smile turned wicked, teasing at one corner of his mouth more than the other.'

Cutey-Honey '"Juicy," he remarked.'

Cutey-Honey THAT is why strawberries are bad.

Cutey-Honey I just don't get the strawberry thing. I really don't.

MyAlias I thought it was because a lot of ppl have allergies to them.

SomeoneElse Oh yeah.. I'd forgotten that fic knew about the evil strawberry conspiracy. THAT's what made Xelloss so big!!

MyAlias That's the number one fruit that ppl are allergic too besides kiwi but that's because they contain the same chemical.

MyAlias Gourry also had a problem with the strawberries... but was mostly weirded out that Lina was eating them slow and even the banana bread was turning him on at the time.

MyAlias X*Turns into a cone.* See! I'm sexy!! F Not really. Now I want some ice cream.

Cutey-Honey X *turns back* Ice cream? Why? Is it kinky?

Cutey-Honey This fic is like "You're walking, and you're walking, and you're walking, and *BAM!* Random lemon!"

MyAlias F Now. I'm broke. I spend all my money on that ripped up silk shirt. And the ice cream man already came through hours ago.

Cutey-Honey X I think I have some change. Want me to run to the 7-11 and pick up a carton of Ben & Jerry's for you?

MyAlias F Maybe later. I don't want to get sidetrack and you promised to help me though all this! Now get naked in your mortal form. We're probably the most compatible in them.

SomeoneElse Gourry Is it a pickle?

Cutey-Honey (X But I AM naked!)

Cutey-Honey X *sits on the bed and takes shoes off* I still think you're the one who's supposed to get naked.

MyAlias X *Gets all the way mortal naked and folds his naked arms with a "Hmph!"* You don't know that!! You're just not open minded enough! (Still a little miffed that she dissed his cone form.*

SomeoneElse Who wants to bet Xelloss knows EXACTLY what he's doing and is pulling Filia along?

MyAlias Hehehe... probably.

Cutey-Honey *laughing* Although it would be funny if he was actually clueless. ^^

SomeoneElse It would definitely be Unique!

SomeoneElse You'd be the only lemon writer who ever had a lemon with a clueless Xel

Cutey-Honey *laughing* YEP!

MyAlias F *Gets naked.* Okay. I'm naked. I think you're supposed to lay down on me. *Xel flips some pages.* No, its further into the book. Around chapter 5.

Cutey-Honey X *gives up on the book and lays down* Ummmm....

MyAlias X Okay. I must say that it isn't doing a thing for me. Maybe if you quicken your breath or moan my name a couple times, something with happen.

Cutey-Honey *laughing*

Cutey-Honey F *does so* Okay, it's still not doing anything.

MyAlias F pant, pant Xellos, Xellos... Is it working? X Besides your breast squishing, nope. Nothing.

Cutey-Honey F *eeps and tries to cover her breasts* Don't look, you pervert!

Cutey-Honey F I still don't feel warm or tingly or relaxed or anything like that. Actually I feel a little annoyed that this isn't working!

Cutey-Honey F *blinks, listens to crickets chirp* Aren't you supposed to do something now? You know, about my 'virgin door' and everything?

SomeoneElse question.. Does Xel's human form have the equipment, or will he need to move matter from his spleen when they figure it out?

Cutey-Honey *laughing* He just has to move the matter from his butt cheeks. ^_~

Cutey-Honey (X I don't really need an ass today... I'm meeting a saxy dragon bi-yotch!)

SomeoneElse But if neither of them know what sort of shape he's supposed to have there will they EVEr figure it out?

Cutey-Honey *laughing*

SomeoneElse G Try a pickle.

Cutey-Honey It's a good thing we don't have to depend on them for the survival of the species...

Cutey-Honey X But is it supposed to be green like that? O_o

Cutey-Honey Oh, dear Gods... I have no unearthly idea.

MyAlias F Um... aren't males supposed to... y'know, have more... y'know, appendages? X Oops! Sorry. I guess I won't need my spleen for a couple hours. *Reappropiation happens.* There. I also put my appendix in it. If you want, I can live without 2 kidneys for awhile!

Cutey-Honey *dies*

SomeoneElse F ...

Cutey-Honey F *blink**BLINKS!* Will that thing even FIT?

SomeoneElse F Maybe you'd better put the appendix back.

Cutey-Honey *laughing*

SomeoneElse (A few hours later F Give me the other kidney!! NOW!!!!)

MyAlias XWhat? Was the appendix a bit too much? *Looks down at it.*

Cutey-Honey X *whining* But I thought that size mattered?

Cutey-Honey We are having entirely too much fun with this. ^^

MyAlias (We always do.) X *Reappropriation happens.* There. Now what? Oh yes! I have to find "your virgin door." *Starts looking for it.*

Cutey-Honey X What's this 'door' supposed to look like, anyway?

MyAlias X What? This? *Pokes at it.*

SomeoneElse F Don't touch THAT!!! It's sensitive!

Cutey-Honey X Where are the hinges? And why doesn't it really look like a door?

SomeoneElse X But it's the only thing that looks even remotely like a door around here...

MyAlias X They should have had the courtesy to draw a map to it!

SomeoneElse X * pulls on various folds* Look! A hinge!

Cutey-Honey *dies*

Cutey-Honey F *squeels**kicks him in the head*

Cutey-Honey F You're not supposed to poke at THAT!

MyAlias X You aren't? Why not?

Cutey-Honey F Because I SAID! Now look somewhere else!

* SomeoneElse has an citrus scented air freshener.. wonders if that's where the hentai fairies are coming from...

Cutey-Honey They live in Else's air freshener. :P

* SomeoneElse opens the air freshener a bit more and looks inside... "Where?"

* SomeoneElse asks her calculator if there are hentai fairies in her air freshener...

Cutey-Honey *laughing* And they travel to the chat room and over the internet through your computer. :P

SomeoneElse C That's a secret!

* SomeoneElse whaps the calculator!

MyAlias F *Sigh* Maybe I should find someone more experienced to do it!

Cutey-Honey Your calculator is cool. :P

Cutey-Honey X *sits up on his knees and looks hurt* But Filiaaaaa! *whining* I wanna do it, too!

MyAlias X I'm trying to do it, Filia! Really I am! But I've already looked everywhere and that's the best I've come up with! Are you sure it's not your form that messed up!? I haven't even found a dewy flower to stroke!

Cutey-Honey F *huffing* I am NOT screwed up! I can take human form better than you can!

SomeoneElse F You just have to look harder

SomeoneElse X Then what's THIS? *squeezes tail*

Cutey-Honey F *eeps and grabs tail back* Stop it! You'll bruise me again! But look at your eyes! *sticks tongue out*

Cutey-Honey For some reason, I have no problem seeing the two of them sitting naked on a bed together, arguing like two little kids...

Cutey-Honey Maybe he'll just sit on her till she gives up and goes to get something to eat.

MyAlias X Maybe I should find that place you liked me to suckle. It is around here somewhere. I couldn't really see under all those silly skirts! *starts liking random places.*

Cutey-Honey F O_o o_O O_O EEP!

MyAlias X What! Was that the place? Hey wait! Shouldn't you already know where I was suckling before?

Cutey-Honey F Ummm... uhhh.... maybe...

MyAlias X Then where was it? As much as I like licking you cause you're kinda salty, I'd like to get more progress done. Especially before you remind me of pretzels.

Cutey-Honey F You want some pretzels?

Cutey-Honey F I could go for some potato chips, myself. Or maybe that ice cream from before.

SomeoneElse (other fic F You want me to wear THIS???? X But I'll let you hit me as much as you like if you do... F *looks back and forth from mace to Xel to dominatrix outfit.... "As much as I like? *smiles "Ok...")

Cutey-Honey *dies* This fic said "spurted"! *laughing* It said "spurted"! *DIES*

Cutey-Honey ....it said spurted... *laughing helplessly*

MyAlias X No. Then I'll get all thirsty and that books says that we should be expending a lot of sweat and you're supposed to cry "sparkling diamond tears of joy" at some point. 

SomeoneElse F Well if you want to get sweaty I can chase you around the room with my Mace for screwing this up so badly!!!

Cutey-Honey *snicker* ...spurted....

Cutey-Honey *snicker* ...sparkling diamond tears of joy.... *giggles helplessly*

MyAlias X You're the one who won't tell me where I suckled that time you liked! The book is obliviously not helping and now you're not helping!! How am I supposed to work in these conditions!

SomeoneElse Zelas watching Damn! I knew I should have gotten the Karma Sutra instead to leave anonymously in Filia's mailbox...

Cutey-Honey *FLOOR*

Cutey-Honey F Well... ummmm... you're not really supposed to touch me there, you know....

MyAlias X Why not! It's not like you are going to explode if I do!!

Cutey-Honey F Because it's bad! The elders said that boys aren't supposed to touch girls there...

SomeoneElse X Really? That sounds promising! smirks and touches her again

Cutey-Honey F *squeaks and blushes*

MyAlias Zelas *Sweatdrop.* An illustrated version of the Karma Sutra. I don't even want to think what they would do if they only had the written instructions.

MyAlias X *Strokes.* Well I feel a little bit of moisture. More sticky than dewy though...

Cutey-Honey F that's sweat, you numbskull. I still don't think you've found the part that has the 'glistening drops of moisture' yet...

* SomeoneElse whispers to calculator.. "I thought MyAlias was "But an Innocent Maiden..."

MyAlias X Maybe you need to drink more water.

SomeoneElse Calculator Figure it out yourself.

MyAlias Hehehehe...

Cutey-Honey F You wanna take a break and go get some water? Wonder if I could make it to the kitchen without Jillas or Grabos seeing me...?

MyAlias X Are you sure that not the right spot *Licks it.* Hmm... doesn't quite taste like sweat? 

SomeoneElse F Ohhhh! Hey!

MyAlias X Oh, what? 

Cutey-Honey F *blush* I kinda liked that...

MyAlias X What that a moan of pleasure? *Licks it.*

Cutey-Honey F *giggling, kicking him a little* That tickles! *giggling*

MyAlias X *After being kicked in the head.* Okay. I won't do it. *Stops.*

Cutey-Honey F *pout* Awww, but that was the first decent thing you've done... other than the suckling part...

MyAlias X Let me get this straight. You like me licking it and suckling it. Did you like the stroking part?

Cutey-Honey F *smiles sheepishly* Well, that was okay, too...

MyAlias X I really do think that it's the flower we are looking for! Even though it really doesn't look like an flower...

SomeoneElse F Okaaayyy.... Then what are we supposed to do with it again?

SomeoneElse X looks back to the book....

Cutey-Honey X I think I'm supposed to stroke it or something. That seemed to work last time... *pokes at it*

MyAlias X Except this one carnivorous plant I once saw in the rainforest. But it was red with green spots and only after it had closed up when it had eaten too many bug..

Cutey-Honey F Xellos! I have NOT been eating any bugs!

SomeoneElse F Would you stop goofing off and get back to business?

Cutey-Honey *dies*

* SomeoneElse wonders how many lives CD has!

Cutey-Honey Hey, I AM a phoenix. :P

SomeoneElse F Now weren't we supposed to find your Manhood around here somewhere?

SomeoneElse X Well I'm not really a man.. does that matter?

MyAlias X Oh yes! The book! *Picks up book and leafs through.* I'm supposed to "gently slip in a finger". *Jabs a finger in.*

Cutey-Honey F *squeals* That's cold!

MyAlias X Ooops. Sorry. *Takes it out and rubs his hands together.*

SomeoneElse X Want me to warm it up?

SomeoneElse X *sucks on the finger a bit to warm it.

Cutey-Honey *laughing*

MyAlias XYmm.. not bad. Kinda tastesy! *Sticks it back in.* Better?

Cutey-Honey F *giggles* That kinda tickles... *wiggles around*

MyAlias X Mazoku don't have a very high body temperature all the time.

SomeoneElse ... That is so funny to have them doing the hentai things for the wrong reasons!

Cutey-Honey *laughing* They'll end up doing all the cliche hentai things for all the wrong reasons! 

SomeoneElse Or just doing them wrong!

Cutey-Honey X Okay, I know there's more to this than just this... *takes out book and starts leafing through it*

MyAlias X Filia! Hold still! How am I going to supposed to "Rub at your center sending you spiraling up to ecstasy" if you keep wiggling around!

Cutey-Honey *dies*

Cutey-Honey F *giggles* Sorry! It feels funny!

SomeoneElse F And we never DID find your manhood? I thought a shaft was something you used for mining...

Cutey-Honey F ...or for turning a propeller on a boat?

Cutey-Honey F ...or that was part of an arrow...

MyAlias X Okay. *Stops what he was doing.* I thought you would like to continue to "stoke the flames of your passion" but if you want to find my manhood, then go right ahead. *Lies down and puts his hands behind his head.* Go ahead.

SomeoneElse F Okaaayy.. We can go back to stroking once I succeed.

SomeoneElse F *Looks Xelloss over...

Cutey-Honey F *starts poking at him* What's it supposed to look like, anyway?

MyAlias X Manly I suppose.

SomeoneElse F Xelloss.. it might help if you acted more like a man. Men don't hover several inched above the bed!!

Cutey-Honey X Fine then! *huffs and comes down*

MyAlias X And girls usually don't have tails!

MyAlias y'know, I've GOT to stop staying late at night with Else another gal. I get roped into so many things! Remember! I am but an innocent maiden!!

Cutey-Honey *FLOOR*

SomeoneElse What?? Are you blaming ME???

SomeoneElse and. Suuureee MyAlias...Just an Innocent Maiden. We believe you

MyAlias Hmph!

MyAlias What are you two implying!!?

Cutey-Honey ....I forgot.

Cutey-Honey I ping you ALL! XD

MyAlias X *Flipps through the book while Filia pokes around.* Hey! We skipped a couple chapters! We're supposed to start with "passionate kisses that enflame my soul" and then I'm supposed to rip open that bodice of your's and "quench my thirst at your breast." But I thought girls are supposed to lactate after having children.

Cutey-Honey F I don't have anything there to 'quench' any 'thirst' with... *poke**poke*

MyAlias X And do dragon even lactate? F Don't ask me? I've never lactated before.

Cutey-Honey F *mumbling* This is so humiliating...

Cutey-Honey F*Goes back to looking for that Manhood *poke**poke*

MyAlias X Ooo! *Drops the book.* F What? This? *Touch.* X Oooh! By Shabby! Wow! I forgot about that reaction! It's been hundreds of years since I last used it.

Cutey-Honey *FLOOR*

MyAlias X I usually like my spleen better but not this time! Do it again!

Cutey-Honey F *poke* I don't see what's so special about this thing... it's not even really attractive... *poke**poke*

MyAlias X Less poking, More stroking, please, Filia. *Smiles.*

Cutey-Honey F Stroking? Like this? *grabs it and squeezes*

Cutey-Honey *tittering* 

SomeoneElse F I don't get it.. Is this your pole? What am I supposed to do with it?

MyAlias X The book says that you "Take me into your mouth". I guess this where you send me "spiraling toward ecstasy." F Are you kidding! I can't lick that! I don't know where that's been!!

MyAlias X Next to my gall bladder, I believe.

SomeoneElse X Now you know. *waits* So you can lick it any time now...

Cutey-Honey F Besides that, it's all... funny looking... *poke**poke*

Cutey-Honey That is SO wrong, Else.

MyAlias X And to think, me having a spleen was all for show!

SomeoneElse It's not even very In Character. But it IS darn funny

Cutey-Honey *laughing* Who cares? We're just screwing around with them now, anyway. ^^

SomeoneElse screwing around? I think that's the one thing they haven't done yet. And at this rate....

Cutey-Honey F Well, personally, I don't see how this is anymore useful than your spleen was... You'd probably be better off having the spleen back...

SomeoneElse X But I can use it write my name on the wall if I make myself pee!

Cutey-Honey X ...or in the snow!

SomeoneElse *dies* That is TOO wrong!

MyAlias X Well people touching your spleen doesn't feel good and you don't have one so it's probably my manhood. Now the book gives you instructions so follow them. *Hands over the book.*

Cutey-Honey F *takes book* I am NOT putting that weird thing in my mouth! No! You do it!

MyAlias X *Sigh.* I thought you wanted to do the stuff in the book!

Cutey-Honey F Well... I do... it's just... Well, it's funny looking, and it probably tastes bad...

SomeoneElse X You won't know that till you try it now will you?

Cutey-Honey F *thinking about it... really!* Can't we just go back to stroking my 'flower'?

MyAlias X No. We have to do this part. We've already skipped too much. F Okay, okay. *puts it in her mouth and says something that is muffled so she takes it out.* I said "Now what am I supposed to do?" Or is there more flower stroking?

Cutey-Honey X *grinning like an idiot* Hey, that's pretty neat!

Cutey-Honey See, this is what comes of releasing about 2 dozen hentai fairies into the chat room...

Cutey-Honey That, and Else's air freshener generates them...

Cutey-Honey Ik's dumb spider-bug things ( //Ö\\ ) ate the first group we let loose, though. ;_;

MyAlias *Stars of hope in her eyes.* So I'm not a hentai faery production plant any more?

SomeoneElse ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Cutey-Honey I think you share that dubious distinction with Else's air freshener...

Cutey-Honey See? ^^ *points up*

MyAlias Who knows? Maybe I made the air freshener.

Cutey-Honey Now gimme my hentai air freshener, dammit! *cackling*

Cutey-Honey !bong

* L-sama hands Cutey-Honey the green marble bong, freshly packed with sticky skunk budz. TOKE UP!

Cutey-Honey WEEEE! ^^

MyAlias X The book mentioned something about sucking. Why don't you try it?

SomeoneElse F Are you implying that I SUCK? Well you suck too! Why don't we just give up!

Cutey-Honey X *whining* But I kinda like this!

MyAlias X *Irritated that she stopped.* Well I don't get anything out any of that flower stroking!

MyAlias X I'll stoke that flower of yours all you want just CONTIUE!

Cutey-Honey F Fine, fine... *sigh**goes back to what she was doing... just sitting there with his 'manhood' in her mouth...*

MyAlias X No! Do the sucking thing and massaging thing like the book says you have to do! FIt does? Where? What massaging thing? I didn't remember reading that...

Cutey-Honey X Ummmmm... *tries to look innocent*

MyAlias F *Stops to flip some pages.* 

SomeoneElse Uh Oh! Has he been caught??

Cutey-Honey X *nervously* I know it was in there somewhere... I think it was right with the sucking... ummmm...

Cutey-Honey *laughing* I bet!

SomeoneElse F LoOK! RIght here, and there's not a word about massaging! wait a minute...

MyAlias X What? *Curious.* It actually did have massaging in it?

SomeoneElse F Looks at him suspiciously...

Cutey-Honey X *sits there and tries to look innocent* *whistles* What?

SomeoneElse It says here you massage my "Glorious mounds" but it says NOTHING about me massaging you! What are you up to?

Cutey-Honey Now... which one said that? ^^

Cutey-Honey Fil, Xel, or just Else?

SomeoneElse OOpps!

MyAlias Else!! First your underwear now this!!

SomeoneElse F!

SomeoneElse ¬_¬ WAAHHHH!!! You people are mean!

Cutey-Honey It's not our fault you make funny typos!

SomeoneElse Can I get another hentai typo award?

MyAlias Okay.

SomeoneElse YAY! *cheers* 

MyAlias You and ElephantGirl are plagued by them

SomeoneElse What about yours MyAlias?

Cutey-Honey X *henpecked husband* Why, I'm not up to anything, dear. You can continue what you were doing at any time now... *grins nervously*

SomeoneElse F Nuh uh! If anyone is doing any massaging you need to massage me!

Cutey-Honey X *whews*

* Cutey-Honey (QUIT: And no, we DON'T wanna know about Else's underwear, OR her glorious mounds!)

SomeoneElse . !!!!!

MyAlias Oh my! That's a funny sig line!!

SomeoneElse !sulk

* L-sama pats SomeoneElse on the head. 'Everybody needs a hobby!'

MyAlias Can't she tell that we are but innocent maidens?

SomeoneElse Dang it!

MyAlias Dang it what?

SomeoneElse You're supposed to say "I'm an Innocent Maiden, Dang it!"

* MyAlias (QUIT: Next time! Filia's Mounds get Massaged (Or Else's. We aren't sure which!))

SomeoneElse .!!! Everyone and their quit messages!!

((Night 2))

SomeoneElse We're looking for the sort of lemons that should have a disclaimer. "Do NOT attempt to use this lemon as a How To guide for Sex!"

MyAlias X*Sigh of disappointment.* Okay. You can massage and suck me later. I'll do the mound massage right now.

SomeoneElse . mounds.. . !!!

Cutey-Honey You like Almond Joy better?

MyAlias heheheh...

SomeoneElse Mmm.. almond joy...

SomeoneElse "He bent and brushed his mouth softly over a hard nipple, lingering to taste it with his tongue."

Cutey-Honey Those things taste? What like? O_o

SomeoneElse No clue.

MyAlias X *Starts massaging with one hand and still flips through the book with the other. There HAS to be a way to convince Filia that he needs so attention too!*

SomeoneElse Just quoting my free literature.

Cutey-Honey *laughing* *sprays Citrus Zest in the room* ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Cutey-Honey F *humming* *wiggling toes* *looking at ceiling*

Cutey-Honey F Am I 'spiraling into ecstasy' yet?

MyAlias X Hmmm... *tasting it.* Tastes like any other part. *goes back to massaging/leafing through the book.*

SomeoneElse "He'd unsnapped his pajamas and she was inside them discovering the difference between men and women with fascination."

MyAlias X Bingo! Here's a reference. *Points.* See Filia. You should be fascinated with it!

Cutey-Honey F Fascinated with what? That weird thing? *pokes him*

Cutey-Honey F You can use it to write your name when you pee. Big deal. *huff*

Cutey-Honey *is determined to one day challenge at least one of the guys she works with to a pissing contest*

MyAlias X It's not weird. It's my "marble hardness sheathed in silken skin." It is very fascinating!

ElephantGirl *chokes on her tea*

Cutey-Honey *dies* And you said you had no reference, MyAlias!

Cutey-Honey F I think YOU'RE the only one who's fascinated with it.

MyAlias Half of the classics are perverted! Have you read things like Lysistrata?

ElephantGirl I've read The Odyssey. Why the heck did all the guys in it have 'glistening feet'?

Cutey-Honey They had foot fetishes back then?

ElephantGirl I don't know! Every time it described a guy whom the reader was apparently supposed to think was studly, it talked about his glistening feet.

MyAlias X Well... I stroked your flower longer than you stroked my manhood! You didn't even hardly try!

Cutey-Honey F That's because you don't stroke, you POKE! And if you want it stroked so badly, do it yoursElse! That thing creeps me out!

MyAlias X *Mutters.* It's not the same...

ElephantGirl *reads fascinating facts about elephant penises*

ElephantGirl Cool... they can wiggle the end of it...

Cutey-Honey *FLOOR*

SomeoneElse Like their trunk?

ElephantGirl Yeah, only not as dexterous.

* SomeoneElse imagines hentai elephants and the things they can do..

ElephantGirl More or less. It also says it's slightly s-shaped.

SomeoneElse what ARE you reading??

ElephantGirl A book called 'The Astonishing Elephant'

Cutey-Honey O_o Hentai ElephantGirl! 

ElephantGirl Highly appropriate title.

Cutey-Honey You've been inhaling our hentai fairies, haven't you?

ElephantGirl I think so.

Cutey-Honey I now have an air freshener that will *propel* them at people. XD

ElephantGirl Hey, I'm not the one who wrote this book. I'm just reading it for research. I didn't expect there to be anything in it about penises.

* SomeoneElse opens air freshener and wishes it spritzed like CD's..

Cutey-Honey Yours just party in there, Else. ^^ You must have HAPPY hentai fairies.

MyAlias X Okay. I'll send you spiraling toward ecstasy and you'll pay attention to my manhood. It's a deal!

Cutey-Honey F *contemplates for a second**looks apprehensive* Well... okay...

SomeoneElse F But it is supposed to be separate like this. What was that about a heavenly joining of passion?

MyAlias X *Super genki! He didn't think that scam would work.*

MyAlias X Oh yes the heavenly joining...

Cutey-Honey F ...and aren't we supposed to fall off of some cliff or summit together at the end? That sounds kinda dangerous...

Cutey-Honey Unbeknownst to Filia, Xellos has orchestrated all of this, much like Gendo Ikari...

ElephantGirl X Well, you're a dragon... you can fly, right?

SomeoneElse *Filia looks skeptically at the fall from the bed to the floor.

Cutey-Honey Right down to infiltrating Jillas' porn library!

Cutey-Honey And he was actually the little old lady at the book store who suggested the romance novels to Jillas for Filia! 

SomeoneElse F How are we supposed to have a Heavenly Joining when You're an evil demon??

Cutey-Honey F So... what are we supposed to join? Hands?

MyAlias X *Flips some pages.* I guess we can go to that. I thought you wanted me to "stoke the fires of your passion" and you wanted to "increase my arousal until it was almost painful" but if you are that impatient...

SomeoneElse F I think you're screwing this all up...

Cutey-Honey F I could do this better with some human guy...

MyAlias X It's not my fault that dragons are impatient and won't do it in the right order!

ElephantGirl *pounds on desk with one fist laughing*

Cutey-Honey F How am I supposed to make something 'almost' painful? I can make it definitely painful... but what's this 'almost'?

SomeoneElse F What did you call me??

Cutey-Honey F This is all YOUR fault, not MINE!

ElephantGirl Hmm... Xelloss doing foreplay with two Filias...

Cutey-Honey They're twins!

MyAlias X What! You'd do this with a human! I guess dragons aren't that particular!

Cutey-Honey They have inborn instincts to keep Wild Xels away... namely maces...

Cutey-Honey F I must not be, if I'm doing it with YOU instead. *humph*

MyAlias X *Point accusingly.* You're just using me aren't you!

MyAlias X And I'm a wonderful choice! I'm not some too bit harlot, I'll have you know!! And who else would brave your fickle temper enough to get close to you!

Cutey-Honey F I'll show you a fickle temper! *tries to strangle him*

MyAlias X*Being choked.* ACK! This is exactly what I'm talking about. Like you could get a human or dragon to go through this trouble!

Cutey-Honey F *choking* Are you saying no one else would stroke my 'delicate flower' if I asked them!? I bet there are guys lining up around the block! Are you saying I'm not sexy!?

MyAlias X ACK! Like that's even your real body!! ACK!

Cutey-Honey F *lets him go and starts chasing him around the room* Not like your real body is sexy, either! You're just a cone, what do you know?!

MyAlias X Then why did you ask me to go off the precipice or cliff with you!!

Cutey-Honey F You don't have to be sexy to fall off a cliff with me, you dunce!

MyAlias F And like you were my first choice!!

Cutey-Honey X WHAT!? *stops and glares*

SomeoneElse X Who WAS your first choice??

ElephantGirl (X I'll dig his heart out with a spoon for daring to touch... *ahem* Yes, Filia, who was it/)

Cutey-Honey F *looking down shyly* Well, there's this human boy down the street... but he's a little too young... but I think I like him...

Cutey-Honey F I mean.... he's only 30... I just don't know if he's too young or not...

ElephantGirl (Poor guy... Xelloss is gonna tie him in knots...)

MyAlias F *Smirks because she knows she pissing him off.* Well the hero in those books always have long flowing blond hair *point to the Fabio look alike* maybe I can ask Gourry...

Cutey-Honey *laughing* 

ElephantGirl (ACK! Wrong!)

SomeoneElse LOL. NO!!

MyAlias F ...and they always have a smooth and soothing voice. That's definitely Zelgadis...

Cutey-Honey F Come to think of it... the boy down the street kinda reminds me of both of them!

MyAlias F But you were there and convenient. *Smirks.*

MyAlias X Are you calling me easy!!?!!

Cutey-Honey X *collects himself and coughs politely* Excuse me a second, Filia, dear...

Cutey-Honey X *vanishes, and several screams are heard down the street*

ElephantGirl And now everybody, a moment of silence...

MyAlias ...

Cutey-Honey ....

SomeoneElse ....

ElephantGirl .....

Cutey-Honey ...that poor boy down the street...

ElephantGirl Okay, that's enough of a moment. On with the lemon!

Cutey-Honey WEEEEEE!

Cutey-Honey X *reappears, grinning* Okay, now where were we?

SomeoneElse F WhAT did you just DO???

ElephantGirl X Sore wa himitsu desu.

Cutey-Honey X *grin**grin**looks smug**looks smug*

MyAlias F Hmph! I should call it quits on this whole experiment!

Cutey-Honey X *whining* But Filiaaaa! The flames of my passion were just getting stoked!

MyAlias X Oh no you don't! I've already gone through enough trouble!! We're going to heavenly join if it kills me! I just need to build you into *looks at book* "into a raging inferno of lust."

Cutey-Honey F *blink**blinks at sudden change in demeanor* Uhhhh.... Okay... I guess..

SomeoneElse F You actually know how to do it right? I don't believe you!

Cutey-Honey X hmmmm, maybe I need to build a fire or something for that 'inferno' thing...

Cutey-Honey Yah! :P

* SomeoneElse tries to think how the Z/A lemon next week can continue this trend of getting scarier and scarier..

Cutey-Honey Wait, the Z/A lemon is going to be scarier than the other ones/

ElephantGirl One rock... two rocks... three rocks...

Cutey-Honey *FLOOR*

ElephantGirl 'Course. After all, we're talking about the only guy in the world with more than two rocks. ^^

ElephantGirl X Hmm... it says next I kiss you senseless and nibble delicately on your tender earlobes...

MyAlias X *Climbs back onto the bed and pulls Filia in and starts kissing her and then nibbles her ear, then pauses.* Wait a second...

SomeoneElse F What? Why'd you stop?

MyAlias If I kiss you senseless then how can your ears be tender? Would that not work?

Cutey-Honey *snicker*

SomeoneElse Who are you kissing MyAlias?

Cutey-Honey F Maybe it means they'll be tender to YOU?

MyAlias Okay. I had a typo. You were waiting for that weren't you.

MyAlias At least I'm not asking someone to massage my mounds!!

SomeoneElse :P Ptttttbb!!

MyAlias X*Nibbles.* Nope. Regular ear consistency. You must be the one feeling them tender. Are they?

Cutey-Honey F Not really...

Cutey-Honey X Maybe I should bite them harder...

MyAlias F OOUCH!! *Smashes him with her mace while he's distracted.*

Cutey-Honey X OWW! What was that for, you ingrate?!

MyAlias X Okay. I get it. No more ear nibbling. *Looks at book.* Is "neck feasting" still open? 

SomeoneElse F What are you? Some sort of Vampire?

MyAlias F o_O Neck feasting? What kind of phrasing is that? Maybe you should go back to "mound massaging" and "Flower stroking."

Cutey-Honey X That's what the book SAYS. If you have a problem with it, take it up with the BOOK.

ElephantGirl (X Vy, yez, my lovely young flower! And I vant to suck your blood!)

MyAlias X *Grumbles.* You and your flower stroking! My fascinating manhood is right here and you're obsessed with your flower.

Cutey-Honey *FLOOR* that was so... perverse....

MyAlias X*quenches his thirst at one mound, while massaging the other and stroking her flower. * 

Cutey-Honey F I didn't think there was anything there to 'quench' a 'thirst' with?

MyAlias X*Pauses.* Are you enjoying this?

Cutey-Honey F ....maybe....

SomeoneElse X Then stop complaining.

MyAlias X *Flips through some pages.* Maybe I should try something else...

Cutey-Honey F I wouldn't complain if you did what you were supposed to!

SomeoneElse X I'm doing just what it says! What else do you expect?

MyAlias F *Irritated that he stopped.* Dang it! Continue!!

Cutey-Honey X Start, stop, start, stop! What do I look like to you, a machine? *sniffle**melodrama*

SomeoneElse X Some sort of sex slave?

Cutey-Honey F You'd have to actually *have* sex to be a sex slave...

SomeoneElse X Well if you want to 'actually *have* sex" why do you keep stopping me?

MyAlias X*Sniffle* You already said I was easily replaced! That takes a lot out of a guy!... or a monster.

Cutey-Honey X *to self* Not that you actually *have* anyone to replace me with now... hehehehehehe...

SomeoneElse F YAAA!!! Just get back to work you!!!

MyAlias X Well how should I know what to do if you are only giving me insults instead of real feedback!

Cutey-Honey F I'm not insulting you, I'm just telling you to go back to work!

SomeoneElse F I TOLD you I liked the flower stroking. Isn't that feedback good enough for you?

MyAlias X*Grumbles and goes back to work and listens to any moans of pleasure.*

Cutey-Honey And somewhere, ElephantGirl is shaking her head, going "How did I get mixed up with these people?!"

ElephantGirl Took the words right outta my mouth.

MyAlias She was the one that roped me into the L/G before. Poor innocent Gourry!!

SomeoneElse whistles She's one of us...she knows it.. We just have to make her admit

ElephantGirl Thbbbpppppttt.

Cutey-Honey *sprays Citrus Zest at Else* :P

SomeoneElse F That's it... *moans with pleasure*

MyAlias X*Continues to massage and stroke.* Do you think it's time that we try the next thing? You are pretty dewy now.

ElephantGirl F No.. don't stop...

SomeoneElse X Massages a bit more

Cutey-Honey X Are you *sure* you don't want to move on? This is getting a bit boring for me...

MyAlias X Do you want me to glide another finger in? We should be getting ready for the next level.

SomeoneElse X *Listens to Filia moaning* Now don't you think it's really time we worked on my 'manhood' again?

Cutey-Honey X Ummm... *sweatdrop* Are you listening to me? Filia?

SomeoneElse F But.. I want to keep doing this... moans

Cutey-Honey X *sigh* Selfish dragons...

MyAlias X Come on Filia! You should be wanting my engorged manhood right about now! How are we supposed to join in a heavenly union if you want me to stroke you flower all night?

Cutey-Honey F *glare* I'll kick that weird 'manhood' thing if you don't stop complaining...

MyAlias F *Moans.* You can also...*Moans.* go back to suckling it a bit if you want!!

SomeoneElse X I have an idea.. I'll continue doing this, but flips himself about Only if you return the favor! ^_^

MyAlias F Get that thing out of my face!!

Cutey-Honey X *whining* But Filiaaa! You're so selfish!

SomeoneElse F *sighs* Alright then...

Cutey-Honey F *grumble* Stupid, self-serving Mazoku...

MyAlias X Come on Filia! Stop neglecting me! Have you even tried to kiss me once! I'm doing all the work. *Sigh.* Then again you have to expect a monster to be the only one to really get results!

MyAlias F *Eye twitrching.* Results! I'll show you results now give me that shaft!

Cutey-Honey X eep!

SomeoneElse F Well! You'd better not stop now! *rubs harder*

MyAlias X *Scared.* Filia? You have to be gentle with those th-- AHHH...

MyAlias X ^_________^

MyAlias F *Pauses.* Hey! Don't slack off just because I'm touching your funny-looking thing!

MyAlias X It's fascinating not funny looking!

SomeoneElse X *Eeep! *strokes Filia again*

Cutey-Honey X *grumbles, goes back to what he was doing, looking secretly satisfied with himself when she's not looking*

SomeoneElse X *does NOT want her taking revenge on him right now!*

Cutey-Honey *laughing*

* Cutey-Honey (QUIT: *spriiiiiitz* WEEEE! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ )

SomeoneElse F *plays furiously with the "marble shaft" not quite sure what's so special about the shaft, but willing to keep it up as long as Xel stays busy...

MyAlias X *Plays furiously with the "virgin door" kinda enjoying it but not as much as him enjoying Filia' staying busy...*

MyAlias X Hey, Filia? I think it's time we moved on to the next step?

MyAlias F *Gasp* How do you know? What does the book say?

SomeoneElse X And then I'm supposed to invade you.. Do I have an Army?

SomeoneElse X Hmmm.. It says something about guiding my hips into "the most intimate place of all" ...

MyAlias F Intimate of all places? You mean like the bathroom.

SomeoneElse X Oh! That sounds fun!

SomeoneElse X Let's do it in the shower!

MyAlias F What the heck is with these phrasing? Invade me? With what? 

SomeoneElse X Well.. I WAS able to kill an entire army of dragons... I think I should be powerful enough to invade one little ex-priestess..

SomeoneElse X "Love Surged from him to her until it simply bound them together."

MyAlias F Can "love" even surge from a mazoku? 

SomeoneElse X Hmmm.. I think we could do the surge if I stuck my finger in the power socket while we were in the shower..

MyAlias F *Growl* You are really killing the mood by pointing that out! And "LOVE" is supposed to surge from you! Not an electrical surge!!

MyAlias X But what about that part about "a bolt of electricity ran straight through her core." See! 

MyAlias F Electricity doesn't bond ppl.

MyAlias X It does if they were made out of plastic!

SomeoneElse X Ok.. let's try another page... Here's it says I push into your passage..... you gasp... and I slide into you...

SomeoneElse X Which passage?

SomeoneElse F Maybe the one behind the door Namagomi!

SomeoneElse X This one? *tweaks his finger inside of her*

MyAlias FEep! 

SomeoneElse X I think we can assume that's the right passage then leers

MyAlias X First I position myself... *Rearrangement happens.* Then I press the crown of my engorged manhood against the door... So? Should I knock or come right in?

SomeoneElse F Well... What does it say?

MyAlias X It goes on a bit that you should be scared of the pain but wanting this moment of completion between us, blah blah blah...

MyAlias X So Do you really want it?

SomeoneElse X "Then, without any further delay he thrust forward, breaking her virginity and claiming her as his alone in the most primitive way. "

MyAlias F What's this bit of about claiming me? You aren't going to put a flag in me are you?

SomeoneElse X *worried* I don't have a flag!

MyAlias X Then again *leers.* I do have a pole!

SomeoneElse F You want to put *that* gross thing into me?

MyAlias F Wait! What do you mean claiming?!

MyAlias X Well in most cultures, the first person you mate with is your mate for life. Now with much further ado...*Spreads her legs.*

SomeoneElse F But! ....

MyAlias F *Has a sudden vision of swinging on a porch swing, with Elderly Xellos (like he will ever age!) who pulls out a bouquet of flowers...

MyAlias ...and has a couple of frogs jump out of them!*

SomeoneElse X Isn't this what you wanted?

MyAlias F Wait! We might want to think about this! What does the book say at the end"?

MyAlias X You have us trying this stuff out and you haven't read until the end?!!

SomeoneElse F Well I did... I just didn't remember all these details in the middle!

MyAlias F So do they stay together at the end?

MyAlias X *Raises an eyebrow, a little paranoid.* Why do you ask? Do you REALLY want me to stay?

SomeoneElse F Well... I..

SomeoneElse F I don't exactly want you doing this to me and then leaving! How do I know you're not just using me?

SomeoneElse !mush

* L-sama sighs and sweeps up the remains of another poor sapometer.

MyAlias X Using you! Who went on forever about stroking their flower!?

SomeoneElse F Well you're the one who made me put that,,,*thing* in my mouth!

MyAlias X It is not a thing! It is a fascinating engorged marble shaft of glory!!

SomeoneElse F ^^;;

SomeoneElse X But you DID do a pretty good job with it... leers

MyAlias F I did?

SomeoneElse X How else do you think it got so hard?

SomeoneElse F *blushes* Oh...

SomeoneElse GAG!

SomeoneElse !mush

* L-sama sighs and sweeps up the remains of another poor sapometer.

SomeoneElse !mush

* L-sama sighs and sweeps up the remains of another poor sapometer.

SomeoneElse F Well you did a pretty good job too... *blushes*

SomeoneElse !mush

* L-sama sighs and sweeps up the remains of another poor sapometer.

SomeoneElse Ever wonder why it took so long for me to write my own lemon?

MyAlias F Wow! Really! I made it do that... X See! It is fascinating! F Well I still wouldn't call it fascinating...

MyAlias X But I digress...YOU were the one to ask me to help you and then said I was easily replaced! So if anyone is the user, it's YOU!

SomeoneElse F HEY!! You haven't been exactly unwilling here! and how do I know you didn't just trick me into this from the start?

MyAlias X^^;... That's absurd!! Jillas and Gravos got it from a little old lady!!

SomeoneElse F They what?? Hey! how did *YOU* know??? You DID trick me!

MyAlias F Wait a second! How do you know that Jillas and Gravos gave me them? And which old lady!!

for the rest of the text you can try this webpage http://www.ainself.net/space/guest/ and read "What's in a book" 


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